Tags
anxiety, Benjamin Britten's Four Sea Interludes from Peter Grimes, Diary, elderly relatives, family, house improvement, music, retirement, sciatica
This year has been….unsatisfactory. Nothing terrible has happened. We are in fairly good health, we are comfortable and very fortunate. But….almost everything we have tried to do this year has not been straightforward. There have been delays, cancellations and anxieties. I think the last update I wrote on our affairs (this is after all a diary blog) – apart from our holidays, a couple of outings and a few posts of things I’ve seen – was in the spring. I seem to have had less time than ever before for getting things done.
Richard’s first year of retirement was meant to be a year in which we improved our lot. Retirement after over 40 years of continuous employment was always going to be a bit of a challenge but he decided he was going to see how the first six months went before making any decisions about what he would do with his time. He has found that he doesn’t miss the work at all though he does miss the social aspect of going out to work. Living in the country, some miles from the nearest town means that we don’t see people very often and we have to work hard to get any kind of social life – or go without. He has come to no decision as to whether he takes up a hobby, does voluntary work or any other activity; he has been too busy with the house and driving Elinor about. He has been a church warden for many years and is a member of our church’s PCC (Parochial Church Council). He has recently joined our local Parish Council too so he has employment enough!
His retirement began with the death and funeral of his mother, which was not a good start. He has missed her very much; her support of him, her good sense, her understanding. Our holiday in the Peak District this year was taken at the anniversary of her passing and those of you who have kindly followed this blog for over a year will remember that we heard of her death last year as we arrived in the Peaks all prepared to go and visit her.
Richard has enjoyed working in our large garden and making a few improvements to it and to our house. We started the year by getting all our windows and doors replaced. We have a new summerhouse and a new potting shed. Our next project was to gut the family bathroom upstairs and the downstairs shower room and get new suites for both rooms and then redecorate. We asked around for suitable plumbers and a couple were recommended. We selected one and he came to see us and plans were made. It was decided that we would also have a water-softener fitted which was done as soon as the downstairs shower room was finished. And this is where things really went wrong. We hadn’t been happy with the speed at which the work was done. Days went by when no-one turned up. There were delays and more delays. We said that the upstairs bathroom would have to wait until we returned from Germany as we didn’t want anything left half done while we were away. The plumber failed to return. He has made no contact with us and has not responded to any of our messages. We had already paid him, at his request, for the work done to the shower room and for the water softener (we ought to have smelt a rat here!) but there are still a few things that need to be finished off properly in the shower room, ‘snagging’ it is called, which now will never be done except by us, in our non-professional way. We have a garage full of bathroom fittings and tiles and also some of the plumber’s and his men’s tools and equipment which they haven’t collected. We must find ourselves another plumber but we cannot face the upheaval until some time in the new year. I hope the work is done at a time when it isn’t too cold!
We have just had our gas boiler replaced. We use propane gas as we aren’t on mains gas here in the country. It is very expensive but the alternatives, oil or electricity, are not ideal either, both being very expensive too and as we have a gas fire and a gas hob, a gas boiler is the best option for us. We found a gas fitter who was able to get the work done during the second half of October. It was to take three days. In the end it took quite a bit longer as inevitably, problems were found. The fitter wanted it all done by the end of October as he was going to Las Vegas to celebrate his son’s 21st birthday and he did manage to get his part of the work done by then. He arranged for an electrician to come and wire the boiler up but the electrician couldn’t come immediately and when he eventually came he had difficulty with the system. He got it done, so he thought, and we thanked him and sent him on his way but when the boiler switched on the water heated but the pump wouldn’t work. We called the electrician back and he tried again. It still didn’t work. We contacted the fitter when he returned from Las Vegas and he eventually got it going. It took two and a half weeks to fit the boiler and the weather had been quite chilly! Fortunately we have an electric immersion heater which meant we still had hot water, a gas fire in the living room and a portable gas fire which we put in the hall at the foot of the stairs. Elinor got the electric fan heater in her room and the fitter left us another electric fan heater in case of emergency. We wore lots of layers!
At the same time as the gas fitter started work Richard began experiencing severe pain in his leg and back. He saw the doctor who gave him lots of tablets and lots of advice. He was in agony but manfully struggled on until he found that his leg was becoming numb and it was unable to take any of his weight. He fell over a couple of times and hurt himself. We phoned 111 and the medics there passed Richard on to the out-of-hours doctor. I took Richard to Beccles hospital to see the doctor that evening. Richard has a partially slipped disc in his back and a trapped sciatic nerve – not full sciatica as he could still feel his foot! He has still managed to fall over a few times since then – falling down the stairs while I was out with my mother for the day; falling over in the garden while I was out again – but at last the feeling is beginning to return to his leg and the pain has subsided. The hope is he will gradually be able to do more things and the feeling will come back completely. He has been told it will take four to six weeks. At first, he could hardly walk even with a stick and was unable to drive at all. He can now drive very short distances but the damage is in the leg he uses for the clutch pedal and he doesn’t trust himself to be able to do an emergency stop, to drive in heavy traffic, to drive far. I am doing all the driving at present.
Elinor’s college course since September this year only asks for her to be at college for two and a half days a week. Richard is at home most of the time now he is retired. I must admit I miss my alone time and my routines have had to be changed to accommodate these other domestic changes. One good thing is that Richard and I now (usually) share the duty of driving Elinor to college and I found a little more time to work in the garden this summer! I still visit my mother a lot and take her shopping and to her many hospital, doctor’s and optician’s appointments. She is gradually losing her sight and as each month passes I notice she has less energy and is less interested in doing things. I take her to church once a fortnight; the intervening week I go with Richard to our church. I miss going to church in my benefice every week; I miss the people, the churches, the services and the preaching. But, my mother needs me and I can’t let her down. I like my mother’s church and I am so pleased to be able to help her do what she needs and loves to do. There used to be members of her church who collected her and brought her home but not any more. The people who used to do it have either died or moved away and as her church is some miles from where she lives there is no-one now who could easily collect her.
Elinor did really well at the end of the course she took last academic year. She re-took her GCSE Maths and managed to get a ‘C’ grade which is what she was hoping for. She never has to go to a Maths class ever again! She also got a distinction in her Art and Design course and everyone was very pleased with her. She applied for and got a place on the two year Graphic Art course she had wanted to go on the year before. Despite this achievement she is unhappy that yet again she is the oldest one on her course and cannot find anyone interested in being friends with her. She is lonely. She has been extremely anxious and has struggled to attend college during the past few weeks and has found that working at home has been difficult too. She is frightened of making mistakes and that her work might not be of high enough quality. So she prevaricates and then avoids doing anything and then panics when she realises she is behindhand. It is impossible to convince a chronically anxious person that their fears are unfounded so life at home has been distressing for us all. There is no escape from the constant pressure of it. It is our elephant in the room; except it isn’t an elephant as they are too nice. It is a troll, a gremlin, a monster, a sickness that is almost palpable and it is ever-present.
There is however, a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. We have tried over the years, many different ways to deal with Elinor’s mental health issue. In our ignorance at first, we attempted the stern attitude. Well, that failed spectacularly. We then saw many different therapists who tried countless different methods of finding out why Elinor is as she is and then attempting to help her by getting her to talk about things, them talking to her about things, giving her Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and oh, all sorts of therapies. Last winter we even resorted to drugs at the insistence of her GP (family doctor). The side effects were awful and it took until the summer for her to stop getting flashbacks and nightmares.
A couple of months ago my hairdresser told me that she was seeing an acupuncturist because of depression and anxiety. The affect on her health and happiness had been astounding and she was feeling better than she had for years. She had had regular appointments at first but at the time of talking to me about it she was only going back now and again for ‘top-ups’. This got me wondering if it would be something that Elinor could try. I carefully spoke to Elinor about it but she refused to contemplate the thought of someone sticking needles in her. I tried again two weeks ago when Elinor was tearful and desperate for some kind of relief. She said she might be willing to think about it. She thought, and ten days ago she thought we might do some research into it. She then agreed that it was something she would be willing to try… but those needles..! On Thursday last week while Elinor was in college for her half day I went to see my hairdresser to ask for the name of her acupuncturist. By a happy chance this lady was having her hair done at that moment and agreed to talk to me. I have made an appointment for Elinor to see her next week. We will see what happens.
Alice, my elder daughter who lives in Sheffield, has directed her first play. It was a great success and Alice enjoyed the experience but found it exhausting. We thought she would need a rest from her drama group for a while but she tells us she ‘accidentally’ auditioned for their next play and got cast! Can anyone explain how one can accidentally audition for a play?
She had become unhappy living in the house she shared with a few other young people – they were fine but the landlady was awful – so she gave a month’s notice and found another house with a room to let and moved in at the beginning of this month. She has bi-polar disorder and if she gets over-tired or anxious her health deteriorates. The play and then moving house caused her to be very tired and quite anxious so she did feel under-the-weather for a while. She applied for another six-month temporary job at a higher grade in the university library department where she works, got an interview last week and has been successful! She hopes to start the job at the beginning of next month. Yet again it is only a part-time job and is only for six months but the money is better than what she gets at present and one must never look a gift-horse in the mouth – as they say.
There we are. A resumé of most of the events of the past year with many gripes and groans included. What I intend doing is to post a few photographic highlights of the past six months (yes, there were a few highlights!) during the next few weeks. I hope to intersperse these with some current affairs on the approach to Christmas. Whether I manage any of it, who can tell!
I leave you with my music selection which is the Four Sea Interludes from Britten’s opera ‘Peter Grimes’. Benjamin Britten was born in Lowestoft and lived for many years a few miles further south along the coast at Aldeburgh. I love the music from Peter Grimes and these interludes give a taster of the opera as a whole but without the singing! The four interludes are entitled ‘Dawn’, ‘Sunday Morning’, ‘Moonlight’ and ‘Storm’ and the playing time is about 17 minutes.
When we moved to Somerset for 18 months twelve years ago I was very homesick and I listened to this music a lot while we were there to remind me of the coast I love. Looking through the comments on the different recordings on Youtube I find I am not the only person to find this music, especially ‘Dawn’, so evocative of the Suffolk coast and the North Sea.
Thanks for visiting!
markspitzerdesigns said:
Your year has been a saga ! I hope 2017 turns the corner for you.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Mark.
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Liz said:
Clare, how brave of you to share all of this – I hope it gave you some comfort to write it all down, and see how well you and the family have endured this past year. If you ever find that some off-blog friendship and chatting would help, feel free to call me on 07841 336954 or e-mail on leaping.tracks@btinternet.com 🙂 xxx
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clarepooley33 said:
You are so kind – thank-you very much Liz. It isn’t as if anything really terrible has happened! I am a little weary that is all 🙂
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Liz said:
I know exactly what you mean – it can sometimes be the case that something major is, in a way, ‘easier’ to deal with because we know we have to focus and deal with whatever it is. On the other hand, a persistent and relentless stream of lower-level issues can generate a kind of stress which creeps up on us and all of a sudden we notice the cumulative effect. I think it is so very healthy to talk openly about anything which affects us in the way that you have – awareness is the first place to start when thinking about helping ourselves feel better. xxx
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you for your kindness and encouragement Liz xxx
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susanpoozan said:
I hope that sharing your disappointing year has acted as therapy, lots of sympathy and hope that 2017 can only be an improvement. You are very philosophical about it all.
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clarepooley33 said:
You are very kind Susan, thank-you. It has been good therapy – I am now a little ashamed to have made a fuss when so many people have a much harder time!
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unionhomestead said:
You have definitely had your fair share and more of less-than-wonderful. 2016 has been a bit of an uphill battle for us as well; here’s hoping 2017 is more friendly.
Sending you happy thoughts 🙂
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Sharon. I hope you and your family’s fortunes improve vastly next year. More friendly thoughts winging their way back to you 🙂
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KerryCan said:
Gosh, when you lay it all out like this, it does sound like a rough year–and yet you sound like you’re enduring it with amazing resilience. I like how your photos show only beauty and peace, a reminder that, even in tough times, one needs to look for the lovely.
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Lisa G. said:
Yes, I agree. Clare has such a quiet way here. It’s that British thing, perhaps: to just keep going forward, hoping for better days. 🙂
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Lisa 🙂
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Kerry. Most of the time I can keep going but lately I’ve become very tired and that’s probably why I succumbed and posted a moan. (I just had to erase a couple of sentences there because I was beginning to sound like Anne Shirley! 😉 )
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Jill Weatherholt said:
Praying that 2017 brings you and your family peace, Clare. I feel for Richard. I’ve had two back surgeries for ruptured discs and sciatica…the pain was unbearable. I’m happy to report after my last surgery in 1997, I’ve been pain free. I hope he’s able to find relief. As for Elinor…sending her big cyber hugs. I’ll keep her in my prayers that the treatments help her. Keep us posted. Thank you for the beautiful music. Enjoy your weekend! xo
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Jill. Your very kind wishes are much appreciated. It is good to know you have been free of pain for so long. I hope you have had a lovely weekend. xo
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Karen's Nature Art said:
What a year-I hope things improve for you and your family! It’s always so difficult when your loved ones are hurting. The house issues just add to the burden. I’m glad you were able to get outside and get some beautiful photos. That always helps bring me some equilibrium. Here’s hoping 2017 is an improvement!
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Karen. Yes you are right about getting outside and looking for things of beauty – it really makes me feel better.
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margaret21 said:
Oh dear, you HAVE had a difficult year, with no real end in sight. Not driving’s a pain, but I hope your husband doesn’t. Insurance companies love not to pay out if they can find an excuse (though I hope you wouldn’t be in that situation). I’ve only just been allowed back on the road after my op. I feel for you all over your daughter Elinor’s difficulties and hope you find some real source of help soon. Good luck and courage over the next weeks and months.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you so much for your kind words of sympathy especially when I know how much you have to worry about at the moment. I am pleased you can drive again! With no public transport life’s not much fun without a car.
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tootlepedal said:
Crumbs, you don’t have your troubles to seek. I hope that the acupuncture works well and having had terrible sciatica when I was younger, I hope that Richard gets through his as well as I did. I ended up having to have a disc operation but it did the trick (as long as long I get Mrs Tootlepedal to do all the heavy work).
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you. Another of my correspondents has had successful surgery for sciatica so there is hope that if the pain doesn’t go away on its own more help can be given him.
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tootlepedal said:
Fingers crossed.
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New Hampshire Garden Solutions said:
Well it’s no wonder you’re cold all the time! The boiler man should be ashamed of himself. If he had to go off to Las Vegas he should have found someone else to finish the job for him rather than leave an entire family without adequate heat. And I wouldn’t give any tools back to the plumber until he either paid back the money you’ve paid him or finished the job. In a court of law, I think you would win that fight.
I think every man both looks forward to and fears his retirement. I’m sure it must be hard to suddenly not have to do what you’ve done all your life. I’m looking forward to spending more time in the woods but I realize not everyone wants to do that. I hope your husband settles into a routine he (and you) can enjoy. I hope his back gets better too. I’ve had sciatica and it’s a terrible thing.
If you can find it you might want to get the book “10% Happier,” by Dan Harris, who had a massive panic attack on air while delivering the nightly news to millions of people. I think it might help her to read it. Meanwhile I hope the acupuncture helps. It’s something I’ve never tried.
Hopefully everything will work out for the better as it often does. 2017 doesn’t have to work too hard to be better than 2016.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you very much for your kind comments Allen. The gas-fitter had had no problems with the electrician when he had employed him before and had assumed all would be well. He was very apologetic and disappointed when we told him what had happened. The plumber, we suspect, has gone out of business/is bankrupt and we would get nowhere if we tried to take proceedings against him.
I recently talked to the wife of a former colleague of Richard’s who retired about 4 years ago. She said that they eventually settled down three years after her husband’s retirement! My husband is an anxious person, just like my daughter so he is finding spending so much time with her is making him worse. They are so alike they annoy each other all the time, which can be irritating and amusing all at once! I continue to hope that we will find the answer to Elinor’s problems one day.. Thank-you for the book suggestion – I have ordered it this evening.
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New Hampshire Garden Solutions said:
Maybe selling the plumber’s tools would help offset what you lost. It sounds extreme but if he won’t even reply to a message there isn’t a lot you can do.
Yes, living with two people who are alike but can’t see it in themselves can be interesting, to say the least. I wish you some peace and quiet whenever and wherever you can find it. Isn’t love a funny thing sometimes?
It sounds as if both Elinor and your husband might like the book. I thought Dan Harris was very good at explaining whet he went through and the answers he found.
Take care.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Allen.
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Lisa G. said:
Oh my goodness, Clare – what stress for all of you! I really hope Elinor will be able to let you take her to the acupuncturist. But if not, maybe she’d be willing to go to an herbalist, or one of those who has you taking supplements and avoiding certain foods. Now that you’ve got the idea of something alternative, one of them might be as good as another. But I do hope she can go to this appointment. I’m glad you’ve got heat now – you’ve really been going through a lot! And Richard falling so much; thank God he didn’t break anything! I hope things will improve soon in a big way. xo
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you very much Lisa. We are hopeful that Elinor will be able to attend the meeting – she is getting desperate and wants to make some changes. I have read quite a bit about diet and anxiety but getting my daughter to change her eating habits has been impossible so far! I too, am glad Richard hasn’t broken anything so far. He had another fall on Friday which puts his progress back quite a lot. xo
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Lavinia Ross said:
Clare, you and your family have been through so much! My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I hope the acupuncture works for Elinor, and that Richard has a speedy recovery.
I am listening to the music and very much enjoying it. 🙂
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Lavinia. I am pleased you like the music. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated so much!
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Jane Sturgeon said:
We are all connected and I feel for you my lovely friend. ❤ You have lovingly flowed with all that has unfolded this year and that in itself is remarkable. It's finding the peaceful place within to soothe and re-charge that is so tricky amidst all this isn't it? Your music, your beautiful writing and all the loving connections you have hopefully help too. Wrapping you and your loved ones in <3, always. Hugs for you my lovely. ❤ xXx
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Jane! Your comment has turned up here on WP after all! Yes – finding that time and place to recharge is so difficult. I find I talk and talk to my poor mother who has enough worries of her own – but she is very good about it 🙂 xx
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quietsolopursuits said:
Oh my! What a terrible summer your family has had. But, I think the moral of your story is that every cloud has a silver lining. Each of your fame members had their problems, but those problems could have been worse, like Richard with his leg pain. At least it wasn’t full blown sciatica, and he’s recovering. I hope that everything turns around soon for every one, and that 2017 is much kinder to your family!
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Jerry! You are right about the silver lining. Something good has usually come from most of our disappointments and problems.
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colorpencil2014 said:
Ploughing on and overcoming it all, it shows you have spirit and stamina. I hope that writing it all down gave a little closure. And of course, lets wish for a bright and happy 2017!! And indeed lots of Benjamin Britton…if anything lifts the spirit, its his music! xo Johanna
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Johanna! I found that writing it down has made me feel a little better, especially after receiving so many kind and thoughtful comments from everyone. It is very humbling and gives me encouragement to keep going xx
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Andrea Stephenson said:
It certainly has been a tumultuous year for you Clare, I hope that the storms are over and the coming year will be more settled and enjoyable.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you very much Andrea!
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bitaboutbritain said:
So much going on! I like to remind myself of Churchill – prone to what he called his ‘black dogs’ – and his favourite dictum ‘KBO’. I’m impressed that you set it all out – and you really do take some wonderful photos, by the way – though I’m guessing it might have been a little cathartic? Will life ever be simple? No! You should consider taking that plumber to court, by the way – I certainly hope you don’t let him have his tools back until he returns to finish the work. Are they worth selling? Meanwhile – KBO!
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you Mike. Yes, it was cathartic and I feel better and slightly abashed! The plumber’s equipment isn’t worth selling and I have a feeling he has gone out of business and I can’t think we’d gain anything by taking him to court. Meanwhile, we will take your advice and will KBO!
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rachelcraftymakes said:
Hi Clare, tough year for you with a lot of changes and stress. I really wish Eleanor well – she is so talented. Life can just be really hard sometimes. I am keeping my fingers crossed for the acupunture. And really wishing you much less stressful times ahead.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you so much Rachel. I am extremely hopeful that the acupuncture will work. She has had one treatment already and for 24 hours was happy and calm. It wore off as we were told it would do. but with subsequent treatments the calmer feelings should last longer. We are hopeful for the first time ever and so grateful for the advice and help we have had.
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navasolanature said:
Very honest and personal and hope that you can recover and replenish your energy. Am feeling a bit world easy too at present and haven’t found it easy to blog.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you. I am sorry you have had troubles too.
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navasolanature said:
Perhaps it has to part of that rich tapestry that the moths get at!
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clarepooley33 said:
Yes! Haha!
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Charlotte Hoather said:
I hope the acupuncture helps, I try alternative therapies and my Dad fell and hurt his shoulder and arm, after struggling for 3 months he went to a osteopath and is feeling much better. Has your husband ever tried an osteopath? I have a really good one in Knutsford.
I’m sorry to hear about Elinor throughout my time in school I was always asked to be a shepherd to help other students settle into class and to make transitions easier it’s a shame they didn’t have a system like that for her.
I wish for you all a happy and settled new year for 2017.
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clarepooley33 said:
Thank-you for your great kindness Charlotte. The acupuncture does seem to be working but it will take some time to be really effective. A friend said she had a weekly treatment for three months before she felt as though she was free of anxiety most of the time. My husband decided to start with physiotherapy as he has osteoporosis and was worried in case osteopathy might damage his weak bones. My elder daughter sees an osteopath and has really benefited from the treatment and exercises she has been given.
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